Breakthrough.

I think this is bigger than his first step. Bigger than anything Tyler's done before.

He fell asleep in his crib.

I know lots of babies do this all the time. But Tyler does not. I'm not a big fan of letting him cry it out. A) I can't stand to hear him cry. B) When I first tried to let him cry it out around 5 months or so, he practically hyperventilated and I felt incredibly guilty and upset... and it took me a half hour to calm him down. C) When I tried to let him cry it out around 7 months or so, he vomited profusely and I felt incredibly guilty and upset. And it took me almost an hour to get him calmed down, to change him, to clean the floor and change his sheets. It took me another hour to stop crying. D) When I tried to let him cry it out around 9 months (when I was very sick), he got his chubby little leg stuck in between the crib slats and I felt incredibly guilty and upset. I don't remember how long I cried that day.

In short, every time I tried to do what the "experts" recommend, I was a bad mother. And I ended up sobbing.

So we stuck to giving him a bottle and rocking him to sleep, which has worked fairly well for us ... until now, when he's supposed to come off the bottle.

I've been decreasing the amount of powdered formula in his bottle this week: 3 scoops of formula in 8 oz instead of 4, then 2 scoops. This way, I can make sure that he isn't hungry when he's crying. On top of making him hyperventilate, throw up and hurt his leg, I don't want to feel guilty about starving him. (I did that when he was 2 days old and will never get over it. But that is another story.)

Wednesday, he wouldn't take a nap. I tried a bottle of diluted formula (twice). I tried rocking him (several times). I tried laying on the sofa and watching a Baby Einstein video (three times). I tried letting him cry it out (for 45 agonizing minutes). And he never laid down. [But he didn't hyperventilate or throw up, and I could tell by the change in his cry when he got his leg stuck.]

In short, I tried to get him to take a nap from 11:30 until 4:00. He fell asleep twice and each time, he woke up screaming 5 minutes later. At 4:00, I gave up. And he did fine. I guess he rested enough that he didn't need a nap. He went to bed at 8:00, and I was the only one who had a meltdown. So I resolved I'd never again spend a whole day trying to get him to take a nap.

Today, I tried a bottle of water without any formula. He wasn't thrilled and barely took any. Instead, he climbed all over me while I was rocking him, he threw the bottle in the floor and tried to look for it, and he bit me (several times). So I put him in the crib. I'd decided that I'll try to get him to take a nap for 30 minutes each day. If that doesn't work, I don't have a plan B. I'll let you know when I get there.

Luckily, I didn't need a plan B today. I'd waited until 1:00 and Tyler was fussy, so I was positive he was tired. I dropped him into the crib and walked out. His wail and the look on his face broke my heart. But his crying quickly turned to fussing and got quieter and quieter. When I didn't hear anything for 10 minutes, I snuck upstairs to find him asleep and pressed up against the side of the crib closest to the door. I closed the door ... and didn't hear from him until 2 hours later.

I thank God for answering my desperate prayer as I dropped Tyler into the crib. A) I couldn't take another day like Wednesday. B) I know Tyler needs to take this next step and learn to fall asleep on his own.